It took me weeks of internal conflict to find the courage to write this post. I am about to share something very raw and real with you. I am about to expose a vulnerable part of myself that showed up as a shadow in my life this year… A shadow that I thought I had overcome.
2017 for me personally has been a teacher of the feminine and masculine energy. I have had the opportunity to experience both ends of the spectrum to the absolute extreme.
The first half of this year I was functioning from a space of the masculine.
I was hustling, pushing, doing and moving through brick walls with powerful force.
I turned into a ninja in all areas of my life.
I was training & competing with the Australian Ninja Warriors which excited me so much!
I felt like an elite athlete again!
But reality was that I was overtraining, sometimes even 3 times a day.
My weight dropped below 60kg and I was the leanest I had been since winning my bikini fitness competition 2 years ago.
I was feeling great in my body, and I knew I looked the part too.
But I had unknowingly become obsessed.
I even lost my period for 7 months.
In June my world turned upside down when mum got diagnosed with a severe health issue.
My internal programming and reaction came from a space of fear as I had already lost dad to cancer 4 years ago.
I dropped the ‘do’ and the ‘hustle’ and flew to Finland to support mum.
This experience naturally transitioned me from the masculine into the feminine.
I started to surrender to BE’ing.
I had ceased all heavy training and naturally started to gain weight from eating more and training less.
Even my period returned after a 7 month break.
I was grateful to have experienced both ends of the spectrum. But very soon I also started noticing conflict within myself.
I started to get triggered that many of the same clothes I wore no longer fitted.
I started to get triggered each time I walked past a mirror.
I started to get triggered looking at recent photos of myself.
I saw my belly, my legs and my ‘big’ arms.
I saw the layer of fat that was covering my naturally muscly and athletic figure, making me look and feel even bigger than I really was.
I know what you might be thinking right now…
“Is she mad?!”
But when I started this blog I also said I would be raw, real and vulnerable.
So please hear me out til the end 🙂
I noticed disempowering and negative self-talk consuming my thoughts, and even feelings of unworthiness had started to surface.
Suddenly I wasn’t feeling good about myself anymore. In fact, I felt horrible.
I almost cried seeing photos of my recent photo shoot that I kept putting off because I didn’t FEEL beautiful.
I was living in disappointment and annoyance daily and caught myself thinking:
“When I lose this weight, then I will feel good again”
I had also noticed a slight emotional connection to food that had surfaced through this experience.
I realised a wound had re-opened.
A wound that I thought I had healed.
Because let’s face the truth –
peanut butter is only good for you in moderation.
The easy way out would have been to lose weight by instantly training more and eating less. I could have stopped the peanut butter cuddles with my willpower. I have consciously embodied a strong belief that there is absolutely nothing I can’t do.
But I also realised that the intention behind that process would not have healed my wound.
So I did something I have never done in this space before.
Instead of putting myself on a ‘self-loathe diet’, I sat with my inner turmoil and lack of self-love.
I sat with my feelings of unworthiness.
I explored my inner experience and held space for myself.
I cried. And then I cried some more…
Now I stand here half naked on a beach in Thailand carrying an 8kg heavier figure than earlier in the year.
For the first time in my life while holding a fuller figure (to what I am personally used to), I have learned to truly love and accept myself. I feel beautiful and feminine, and I am at peace with my physical body.
I am so grateful for this wound that re-exposed itself. It gave me the opportunity to heal and remove any residual ‘darkness’ that was still left in my being.
We are generally so quick to run and escape from our shadows and never take the time to understand them. Our brain is programmed to escape anything painful and uncomfortable.
But if we do not take the time to sit with our inner turmoil and understand our wounds, we will never be able to shift and heal them. We will revert back to the same old cycle and behaviour.
Here is a confronting question to ponder –
Do you eat well and exercise because you love yourself or because hate/dislike parts of yourself?
As a woman who has previously lived a repetitive cycle of self-loathe I also know that it doesn’t matter how much someone else tells you that you are beautiful. If you don’t FEEL beautiful and at peace with yourself, then any external compliment is no different to thin air.
Today I give thanks to myself for staying committed to my deep internal work. I will never claim it to be easy, but I will guarantee it is always worth it.
SELF-LOVE IS A JOURNEY, NOT A DESTINATION.
Keep doing the work gorgeous.
It is so so SO worth it.
Thank you for listening.
With love and compassion,
Coaching | Mentoring | Self-Empowerment